remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
