What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
