Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
