When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
