my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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