i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
