Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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