I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
