whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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