Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
