I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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