I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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