I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
