Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
