Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
