is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
