this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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