I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
