She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Still dying that you shit outside
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
