I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
