Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
