i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
