Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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