I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
