i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
