woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
