took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
no you cant smoke seaweed
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
