I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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