I just pynch a tree in the face
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
