TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
