We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
