literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
