If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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