I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
