saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
