don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
