She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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