In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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