Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
