I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
