I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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