Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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