You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
