all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
