She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Found the puke drawer
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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