Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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