I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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