He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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