Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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