Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
